The World as We See It

Feature: Theft from Above

The Lede:

"People in Anchorage, Alaska, are clutching their groceries even tighter these days as hungry ravens have reportedly been robbing them of their purchases in Costco's parking lot," reports Eat This, Not That!

What are residents saying?

Residents are worried to say the least. Alaskan Native, and woman who can't stop talking about the third row "Stow 'N Go" seating feature on her Chrysler Pacifica, Judy Howe, expressed her concerns saying, "Its not fair - none of these birds have a membership card and yet they're still getting the benefits of bulk purchasing at unbeatable prices! Something must be done." We also spoke with a man in a red hat, who claims it "used to mean something," who said, "I don't want to be that guy, but is it a coincidence these birds are black? You tell me."

Are they targeting any particular foods?

In short, yes. Our sources on the ground say the birds mainly pillage items that are vegan or gluten free. Early speculation from ornithologists is that the birds have somehow identified the people who buy these types of foods as the weaker of our species and they aim to exploit their frailty.

What's being done?

Good question. At the moment, the towns people have voted in an emergency town hall to construct an outdoor soda bird bath lined with mentos. The hope is that the ravens will put two and two together creating an intestinal explosion the likes of which haven't been seen since the first Arby’s opened last year. "We only need one explosion to send these bastards a message," said the project's lead, Ralph Thomas. Local PD has also tried reaching out to the grounds keeper from Cadyshack but have yet to get a response.

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Jamie Larson