#67

Crier Quotes

“I’ve been doing this for quite some time, and from everything I’ve seen, the black ones are always better than the white ones. They’re more versatile.”
- Jim Nantz on neckties

Feature

Ashton Kutcher Stands Awkwardly Next to Casket in Photos to Dispel Any Rumor He Murdered Person in Casket

LOS ANGELES — They say it’s better to get ahead of it, and that is exactly what Ashton Kutcher has been doing as he’s recently been spotted around the country taking photos with his hands in his pockets next to the casket at funerals to dispel any notion that he was, in fact, the one who murdered the person in the casket.

We spoke with Kutcher following the service for 89-year-old Huang Zhào and asked what the deal was with the awkward photos. “Here’s the thing: If I put my arm around the casket and was, like, all friendly with the family of the deceased, I’d be asked to come in for questioning. The rumor would be that I murdered the person,” clarified Kutcher, “So I stand next to the casket and put my hands in my pockets, so there’s no chance that, like, that could be the rumor, and, even if I did murder the person, like, if that’s how I get a rush, or whatever, I dunno, would I stick around for the funeral? That would be crazy, right? Hey, you guys haven’t seen any rope lying around, have you? You know what, don’t worry about it.”

Kutcher has been to 75 services in the last four days, making stops at various funeral parlors up and down the west coast. “He didn’t even say I’m sorry for your loss,” said Zhào’s son Brian, “He just stood that with his hands in his pockets and kinda bulged his eyes a bit and shrugged. Then he just left. I mean, I didn’t think he killed my mom before, but now, like, I don’t know.”

At the printing of this newsletter, Kutcher was seen standing awkwardly with his hands in his pockets as a member of a lineup down at the 88th precinct.

Miscellaneous

• Police in NZ say they found three tons of cocaine in the Pacific Ocean —the finding suggests a new reason why whales developed a “blow hole.”
• Senator Chuck Schumer praised President Biden for his handling of republicans during the State of the Union, saying, “he let them walk into his trap.” Schumer then laughed and went back to petting his hairless cat.
• According to Axios, a cup of coffee before a workout can quantifiably boost your performance. They do caution, however, that too much coffee before you lift may give you the squats.
• Labor Secretary Marty Walsh is reportedly leaving the Biden administration to become the head of the NHL Players’ Association. When asked why he was leaving the White House for the NHL, Walsh said, “better dental.”
• A new reality show will follow Sylvester Stallone and his family. The network wanted to follow the life of an action star. They pivoted to following Stallone after their entire original crew following Chuck Norris went missing.
• According to hybrid work management startup Scoop, 50 percent of American workers have been called back into the office five days per week — which they say is five more days per week than Kamala Harris.
• This Tuesday is Valentine’s day. A day of love that will be celebrated with chocolate, flowers, and for some, binoculars.
• This week was the 113 anniversary of the founding of the Boy Scouts of America in 1910. Back then, the Boy Scouts learned how to build a settlement — now, they learn how to accept one.