“Happy Birthday, Jesus”
Rudolf Thanks “B*tch A** Haters” in Hall of Fame Speech
NORTH POLE — It was anything but a silent night Saturday evening at this year’s Holiday Hall of Fame induction ceremony as Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer delivered a speech thanking all the “B*tch A** Haters” for providing the fuel for his success.
“They used to laugh and call me names,” said Rudolf, “and never let me play in their reindeer games, but looks who’s laughing now motherf**kers. This has been a long time coming — a long time. I used to do crunches every morning looking at a cut-out of the cover of 1995’s Forbes 30 under 30 issue featuring Vixen — who everybody knows slept her way to the top — and I’d think ‘one day baby, one day. You just keep grinding, and you’ll make them all see.’”
During the nearly 45-minute speech, Rudolf made it abundantly clear that his success as a reindeer was purely out of spite, saying, “I want to thank all the doubters, the fake friends, and all you Hoe Hoe Hoes out there, living in your glass houses. I want to thank those who said I’d never be half the reindeer of Comet or Blitzen. Well, what do you have to say now?”
Audience members for the event sat in silence as they individually took their chastising. Eyewitnesses say they saw Frosty begin to melt a little as Rudolf lit into him for 14 minutes, capping his remarks by calling him a “button nose b*tch.” The most shocking takedown of the night was when Rudolf turned his attention toward the abominable snowman, calling him a litany of ethnic slurs that this paper cannot in good conscience repeat.
Before exiting stage right, Rudolf stripped off his tuxedo to reveal a T-shirt with the controversial “All Elves Matter” written in bold lettering.
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After Not Receiving the Present He Wanted, Boy Converts to Judaism
LOS ANGELES — Taking time to reflect on a disappointing Christmas morning in which he did not receive the Jurassic World Dominion Super Colossal Giganotosaurus like he asked, 9-year-old Brian Berns decided he’s converting to Judaism. The decision, Berns says, is strictly business, “look, Christmas is great, but it’s only one day of presents. You write out this whole list, put a lot of thought into it, and when you don’t get what you want, it’s better luck next year. But with Judaism, you get eight days of presents. Eight. It’s simple math.” Admittedly, Berns says being Jewish does have its drawbacks as he told reporters he probably will have to stop listening to Kanye now, but it was a sacrifice he’s willing to make to secure the extra gift-getting days. Shortly after his decision, Berns informed his parents he will make it official in the new year by changing his last name to Bernstein.
- A zoo in Sweden has been criticized for shooting dead three chimpanzees and injuring another after they escaped their enclosure. Another three chimpanzees have still not been secured and remain at large. While the chimpanzees’ whereabouts are unknown, Swedish authorities say they recently discovered a trap door in the chimp enclosure which led to a makeshift safe room where they found 250,000 in cash, false Finnish passports, blonde wigs, and a map of Florida.
- Two new studies, one in the UK and another in New York, will screen newborns for treatable diseases and disorders using whole genome sequencing. Scientists say the technique will be able to identify whether the newborn’s genes are healthy, diseased, or apple bottom.
- Elon Musk has confirmed that the micro-blogging platform will increase the tweet character limit from 280 to 4,000. Cracks Knuckles “Showtime,” said uncles.
- According to industry insiders, in 2023, restaurants will feature more dishes that are an aggressive mash-up of global flavors. Flavor mash-ups such as TGI Fridays’ curry-fajitas spawn from a style that’s been dubbed "chaos cooking” by TikTokers and “a nightmare” by plumbers.
- A Moscow court sentenced government opposition figure Ilya Yashin to more than eight years in prison for speaking out against Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. The US would like to help, but Yashin can’t dribble.
- San Francisco lawmakers voted to ban police robots from using deadly force on Tuesday, reversing course one week after officials had approved the practice and sparked national outrage. The city’s board of supervisors voted against the lethal police robots after a brief trial period in which it didn’t kill a single black teen.
- In a statement from NASA, the InSight lander, a robot that spent the last four years on Mars taking photos and detecting 1,000+ marsquakes, finally died due to a build-up of Martian dust on the solar panels that provide the lander with electricity. Before it died, the lander tweeted out a photo from the red planet with the following caption, “My power’s really low, so this may be the last image I can send. Don’t worry about me though: my time here has been both productive and serene. If I can keep talking to my mission team, I will – but I’ll be signing off here soon. Thanks for staying with me.” Hours later, a second tweet was sent containing a photo of the lander sandwiched between two martian hotties in bikinis with the caption “I’m going to live forever!!” Then a third tweet reading “Oh shit. Did I tweet that? So drunk right now.” Then a fourth cryptic tweet consisting of the emojis “trench coat ribeye steak trumpet.” The account has since been deleted. NASA has refused our request for comment.