#45

Crier Quotes

“No, I never had any formal training. It just came naturally to me.”
- Steve Harvey on seducing the elderly

Feature

Penguin RandomHouse to Launch Books on Video

NEW YORK —  In an effort to keep pace with the changing times, publishing Goliath Penguin RandomHouse has officially launched a first-of-its-kind Books on Video series. “We’re all really excited about the new Books on Video series,” said Penguin RandomHouse’s 22-year-old Chief Innovation Alchemist Leslie Thompson, “People are reading all day long: texts, Snapchats, Instagram captions. It’s exhausting. That’s where Books on Video comes in.”

The Books on Video series is said to take the traditional book reading experience and deliver it in a way that’s tailor-made for a next-generation audience.“A lot of other publishing houses are clinging to the old ways of words on paper, but books are so much more than that. They’re like crazy visual. And, I know, it like literally says what things look like or whatever, but what do they REALLY look like? Right? That’s what we think makes Books on Video such a game changer.”

Top executives at the company say they’re optimistic about the commercial success of Books on Video. Across four independent surveys conducted by the company’s market research team, 90% of participants responded favorably when asked, “do you like to see things?”

The company confirmed the series will launch this fall with the slogan “Books on Video: Read With Your Eyes."

At the printing of this newsletter, Thompson and her innovation team held a strategy meeting for an all-new nighttime headgear apparatus that beams stories directly into your hippocampus called Books on Dreams.

Miscellaneous

• An all-women rowing team broke the world record for crossing the pacific from San Francisco to Hawaii. The women contributed their speed to how quickly they sync’d arm cycles.
• At last week’s Lollapalooza, rap artist Lil Durk was hit in the face by pyrotechnics during his performance. After the incident, he’s now changing his name from Lil Durk to Shudda Dukd.
• A Canadian candy company posted a job for a Chief Candy Officer. The company says the lucky taste tester will receive 100,000 Canadian dollars and full medical coverage when the diabetes takes your foot.
• Tinder's CEO is leaving the dating app. In a statement to employees, she wrote, “it’s not you, it’s eHarmony.”
• The last conviction in the Salem Witch Trials was exonerated — 329 years later — and all things considered, Pelosi looks pretty good!
• Jared Kushner will release a memoir later this month and early reports say it’s filled with detailed accounts of Kushner being bullied by Steve Bannon and former president Trump. You can find the memoir by googling “Breaking History: A White House Memoir” or its unofficial title “The Diary of a Wimpy White House Kid.”