“Kaww Kaww Kaww”
- Larry Bird
Vladimir Putin Activates 100,000 Follicles for Mustache to Invade Upper Lip
Kharkiv, Ukraine — Eastern Europe and the world are on edge this week as rumors have begun to circulate that Vladimir Putin may be following in the footsteps of Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini as he’s activated over 100,000 follicles at the vermilion border in preparation to invade his upper lip with whispers of a "false ‘stache” operation in the works. If carried out, the follicles would be given the green light for full tilt growth expansion into the region.
Professor of History at Ukraine’s Kharkiv University of Grooming, Andrei Shevchenko, fears for the end result of the current trajectory he sees the Russian leader on. “It starts with a little five o’clock shadow. No big deal, eh? Then stubble. With this, a collection of leaders may give a wag of the finger and a ‘that’s fine, but don’t go any further.’ And then one day, without warning, the entire area from under the nostrils to the corners of the mouth are engulfed.”
Press Secretary Jen Psaki took questions this week regarding what response President Biden is prepared to meet a possible full-scale invasion with. “In no uncertain terms, the President would have no choice but to employ a battalion of Army Shavers to restore a clean and sovereign philtrum.”
The Biden administration is also said to have already made contact via zoom with CEOs of Barbasol and Lockheed Martin to develop fiber-seeking cans to be deployed at a moment's notice.
At the sending of this newsletter, eyewitnesses claim they saw multiple deliveries dropped off at the gates of the Kremlin containing a “concerning amount” of Bert’s Bees Beard Balm.
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