#14
Crier Quotes
"As long as it's thick, I wouldn't worry about it."
- Dr. Phil
Feature
After Falling, Woman in Nursing Home Gets Up Unassisted
by Senior Seniors Correspondent Art Pepperdine
The Lede:
Ask anyone at the Rose Hill Assisted Living Center and they'll tell you, Esther Gingrich is a fighter. After surviving the market crash of '29, the second world war, a 78-day hospital bout with pneumococcal pneumonia, and the Carter Administration, she wasn't going to let "a little b*tch" like gravity keep her down.
Boats against the current
For forty-seven minutes, she fought against her invisible oppressor with the determination of Sylvester Stalone reading cue cards. Thrice refusing aid from the center's registerd nurse, Gingrich clawed her way upright, repeating, "Not this time you dirty b****rd!" A group of fellow residents looked on in astonishment as the four-foot-four-inch woman engaged in an arm-wrestle with the Almighty.
You can't spell Gingrich without "Grit"
"It'll take an act of God to kill that woman," said Rose Hill Executive Director, Adam Shaw, adding, "I once heard her tell an anesthesiologist she didn't want to go under during her hip surgery because the pain makes her feel alive."
Known by her peers as "The Honey Badger," Gingrich has lived at Rose Hill for nearly 35 years. She moved in after her husband passed in 1987 from an accident involving string cheese. None of her adult children took her in - the scorn of which she says is the source of her strength. She's alive for one reason and one reason only - "spite" - and her only remaining goal is to suck those "ungrateful sh*t sticks" dry with residence fees.
Miscellaneous
- In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, Tom Brady shared one of the biggest things he’s learned about getting older is to stop worrying about what people think of you because most of the time they aren’t thinking about you at all. Brady’s revelation flies directly in the face of a recently published Harvard study that showed regardless of gender, “Tom” is the number one name yelled in New England bedrooms.
- Facebook and its family of apps were inaccessible for hours on Monday this week - spawning a new philosophical paradox - if your uncle falls for a conspiracy theory but has nowhere to post, does he make a sound?
- Two scientists won the Nobel prize in medicine on Monday for their discoveries into how the human body perceives temperature and touch. In their acceptance speech, the two thanked their test subject who they claim hadn’t felt warmth or touch in years - Not to give away who it was, they referred to the subject only as “Melania.”
- New York City’s public libraries announced they are eliminating late fees - letting about 400,000 New Yorkers off the hook. City accountants are calling the decision a huge blow to library funding as the 400,000 forgiven late fees totaled over $3.75.
- In Florida this week, a condominium building was evacuated after a meth lab was found in the building. When asked how they could have turned a blind eye to a meth lab in the building, residents said, “four words: washer/dryer in unit.”
- A porn star who left the industry to become an ordained minister in upstate New York has now abandoned the church and will return to making online pornography. She told her congregation she decided to go back to porn because “being filled with the Holy Ghost just isn’t the same.”
- An impatient customer at a short-staffed Chipotle in Philadelphia pulled out a gun and demanded that “somebody better give me my food.” If you thought you had a rough week, imagine being the one who had to charge her extra for guac.
- On Saturday, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Even the Pope was surprised that after nearly 35 years in politics, Pelosi was able to enter the Vatican without bursting into flames.