#74

Crier Quotes

“Every night, until I was about twelve, I used to dream I was trapped in an elevator with Nicholas Cage.”
- Joe Jonas

Feature

“It’s How He Would’ve Wanted to Go” Says Family of Man Crushed by Vending Machine

CHATTANOOGA, TN — Services were held Friday and Saturday afternoon for local man Garry Hoffman, 47, who met his end by getting crushed underneath a vending machine, which, those closest to him say, “is how he would’ve wanted to go.”

“He used to love it on road trips whenever we’d stop at a rest area. He’d jump out of the car and go straight to the vending machine. He’d always hit B16 no matter what. B16,” said Hoffman’s sister, Alice, a half smile curling at the memory, “I’m just glad he died doing what he loved.”

Official reports indicate Hoffman began struggling with the machine after his Fig Newton got snagged by the metal dispensing coil. He tried fishing the bar out by putting his arm up through the bottom slot but gave up after five minutes — for all his effort, it remained dangling, tauntingly out of reach. “Give it here, you greedy bastard!” Hoffman was hollering as he slapped the glass, “You think I’m going to let you get away with this? OVER MY DEAD BODY!”

Eyewitnesses recall just before impact Hoffman cried out, “Roberta!” — who Roberta is and what connection she had to Hoffman remains a mystery.

While he had no wife or children, Hoffman leaves behind an extensive collection of over 7,500 Furbys and his pet fish, General Marcellus Chesterfield.

Miscellaneous

• A Large-scale study finds common genetic markers associated with increased substance abuse risk. The study shows that people with substance abuse issues have a higher percentage of genome sequences that end in AA.
• A man prompted ChatGPT to generate a list of ways to end letters — it came back with 500. But if you really want to end letters, the AI says, “Text.”
• Monday was National Viagra Day. Unfortunately for some, it was also “I’m Tired and Have a Headache Day”
• Major League Baseball’s Opening Day was this Thursday. This year, the MLB has introduced several new rules including a new countdown clock that gives players 15 seconds to either scratch or spit.
• United Airlines is investing $15 million in a startup developing filtration technology that may eventually be used to capture CO2 for use in producing sustainable aviation fuel. United executives say they hope one day we live in a world where humans fly across the globe propelled entirely by cow farts.
• Amazon has a new feature that alerts customers of products that are frequently returned — coincidentally, they’re also the products that are “most likely to break when hurled from a van.”
• Five boys were rescued last week after getting lost in the Staten Island sewer system. Authorities in Staten Island say while the boys are physically fine, it will likely be years before they fuhgeddaboudit.

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