#7

Crier Quotes

“Whatever happens, no taxidermy.”
- Lassie

Feature

White Wedding Finds Rhythm

The Lede:

Neither jug nor banjo was on the premises at the reception of the McCoy-Bennington wedding, and yet, the all white affair still managed to tack down the ever elusive “beat.” Even, to the surprise of all in attendance, successfully executing the “Cha-Cha Slide.”

But, I thought wedding dancing spreads COVID?

Well, you thought wrong! Contrary to popular belief, the CDC’s guidelines barring dancing at weddings was not, as originally thought, to mitigate possible exposure to COVID, but in-fact to mitigate exposure to witnessing "the whites" dancing. Tim Conway, an associate at the CDC, had this to say:

White dancing in non-pandemic years is gruesome enough, but coming out of quarantine, we fully expected white weddings to exhibit some sort of ritualistic full-body gyration set to Outkast’s “Hey Ya!” The whites love to, as they say, “shake, shake, shake-it, shake, shake, shake-it, shake-it like a polaroid picture.” We just wanted to get out ahead of it before someone got hurt. It’s imperative that whites do not let their guard down at this one sign of success. It’s still more important than ever that we remain vigilant.

Play-by-play, please.

Riding the high of “Jump Around,” DJ Funky Junk took a chance. Not since the Stevenson-Adams massacre of ‘09, in which 14 med-evacs were needed following an attempted “Cupid Shuffle,” had anything like this been done.

It started innocently enough, being told that it was time to get “funky funky funky funky” the young an old alike congregated on the dance floor - a sea of mayonnaise faces, swaying like wheat in a Nebraska breeze. But as they “clap, clap, clap, clap [their] hands,” something changed. They were no longer individuals: they were something more.

All at once they went “to the left … took it back … one hop this time … right foot stomp … left foot stomp.” It was at this moment that Pop Pop Bennington stepped out of the line to “cha-cha real smooth” and subsequently “turn it out.” They played out the steps over again - even managing to “reverse reverse! reverse reverse!” It was later said that Aunt Regina’s “hands on your knees, hands on your knees” nearly brought the officiating priest to tears. The group got a well deserved respite as Casper called “every-body clap your hands.”

From here, they were in uncharted waters. By now, many a white has tried, and many a white has gone to the ER, but the McCoy-Bennington’s quite possibly had God on their side that night as MeeMaw McCoy, in what could only be described as a perverse violation of both physics and osteoporosis, showed that she could in fact “go down low … all the way to the floor” then “bring it to the top, like you never never stop, bring it to the top … one hop!” The icing on the cake was delivered by none other than fun loving (and possibly alcoholic) Uncle Jimmy, with a flawless “Charlie Brown.”

The McCoy-Benningtons have given hope to every white couple getting married in America that they too can play something other than “Sweet Caroline.”

Sound Bites

Who's seing the writing on the wall...

Local dad, Aaron Toole, in a sit down interview with our parenting editor Patty McDoogle. Toole expresses his concern that giving his son love and attention as a child might have turned him into ... a democrat. Highlights from the interview below:

I knew things were bad, but I had no idea he was saying things like "pay it forward" and "it comes around."

I swear to christ, if he makes me listen to one more Dave Matthews Band song...

For his birthday he asked for Birkenstocks... BIRKENSTOCKS!!

At this rate he'll end up a teacher - or worse - join the peace corps.

I saw a pamphlet in his room for Habitat for Humanity last week - Well, not on my watch!

The other day he looked at me and said, "25% tip fair?" - it was a hot dog vendor.

Enough is enough - next sumer I'm sending him to Pennsylvania to work in a mine.

The interview was cut short as Aaron let out a "Jesus Christ" under his breath and took off after his son who walked passed wearing a shirt that read "Plant Based."

Miscellaneous

• The Pentagon released a memo announcing US military members must get the COVID vaccine by mid-September. The memo didn’t have the softest touch, as it read, “Make no mistake - this administration’s goal is to ensure all soldiers get shot!”
• Oregon Gov. Kate Brown privately signed a bill ending the requirements for high school students to prove proficiency in reading, writing, and arithmetic before graduation - the governor said students in Oregon don’t need to be able to do any of those things in order to vote Democrat.
• China’s Ministry of Culture and Tourism is banning the use of songs at Karaoke bars containing “illegal content” that “endangers national unity, sovereignty or territorial integrity.” The measure is being seen by many as “petty” as it was reported the number one karaoke song in Hong Kong is Queen’s “I want to break free.”
• The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released a dire report Monday warning of a “code red for humanity.” The panel warned if nothing is done to combat rising temperatures, we may find ourselves faced with an irreversible increase in shirtless Italian grandfathers.
• French President Emmanuel Macron is suing the owner of a billboard that depicted him as Adolf Hitler. The poster is in protest against Macron’s COVID vaccine mandate - Because nothing says “I’m not like Hitler” like squashing those who question your authority.
• This Wednesday marked the first National “Hip Hop Celebration Day.” In the Bronx, the joyous occasion was marked by what we think was a 21 gun salute.
• President Biden said Tuesday he doesn’t regret his decision to withdraw US forces from Afghanistan, adding, after two decades of support, it’s time Afghan forces “fight for themselves.” Biden substantiated his claim by drawing an analogy to the overwhelming success during the pandemic of those taken off ventilators.