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In Final Push Before Midterm Election, Dr. Oz Reminds Pennsylvanians of Experience Shamelessly Lying to Millions on National TV
HARRISBURG, PA — In his final attempt to sway voters before Tuesday’s election, Dr. Oz reminded Pennsylvanians that he’s more than qualified for senate by citing his well-documented record of lying to millions on national TV.
Oz spoke directly to the people of Pennsylvania in a three-hour address highlighting his ability to confidently look the electorate squarely in the eye while peddling misleading, incorrect, or plainly false information as he stuffs his pockets with millions.
Compared to his opponent, Oz said, “It’s apples and opioids. I mean, c’mon, you’re talking to a guy who recommended that people with restless leg syndrome place a bar of lavender soap underneath their bed sheets, a do-it-yourself method for whitening your teeth by brushing with a mixture of strawberries and baking soda, and, my personal favorite, taking umckaloabo root extract as a remedy for the common cold — the best part about that one is I don’t even know what umckaloabo is. I pushed it because a sales rep for the manufacturer dropped seventeen duffle bags full of unmarked bills off at the studio with a note that read, ‘there’s more where that came from.' And you want to hear the icing on the cake of all this? I haven’t lost an ounce of sleep, either. So you don’t think I could slap on an American flag pin and stare down the barrel of a camera and say, ‘I’m fighting for you’? Please. This Fetterman guy probably couldn’t even look his wife in the eye and tell her he’s not having an affair — it’s a joke.”
At the printing of this newsletter, Dr. Oz was seen demonstrating to reporters his ability to completely remove his spine like a well-cooked rack of Kansas City ribs at a moment’s notice.
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