"Most people don't know this about me, but I can use my feet like hands."
- Lady Gaga
Around the Horn
Sometimes, a week goes by so packed full of storylines it is hard to keep up with everything. Because of this, we thought we’d take you around the country, highlighting the top four stories.
Key West, FL
Woman Putting Shell to Ear Hears Pained Shrieks of Condemned Souls
Picking up the conch she found protruding from the soft, pillowy sand as she took an early morning walk, Abigail Stevens put the shell to her ear and heard the pained shrieks of billions of condemned souls. “Normally, I wouldn’t stop to pick up a shell. I’m not that type. But there was something different about it. Maybe because it was glowing red and smoking, I don’t know, but it had a magnetism that drew me to it. Honestly, I was expecting, like, some stupid wave sound, or whatever, so imagine my surprise when I heard the shrieks of billions of condemned souls burning in eternal hellfire! They were shouting, ‘Help me! Help me!’ and some guy named Jeff was yammering about how he didn’t kill himself. Looks like another one in the win column for my therapist, who said going for more walks might open up a whole new world for me. But who would’ve guessed that world would turn out to be the underworld. What a score!” said Stevens.
Dive Bar to Instal Signs Indicating “Shallow End”
After receiving numerous complaints from patrons who say the establishment did nothing to warn them they were making a huge mistake by going home with the person they met at the bar only to get hurt when the relationship failed to progress, local dive bar High Water said it’ll soon install signs indicating which section of the bar is the “shallow end.” “We care about our customers,” said bartender Jerome Woodley, “and we completely understand the frustration of people who go out in the hopes of meeting someone to take a deep dive with only to end up waking up with regret. That’s why we’re putting up the sign. Hopefully, when people wade into the High Water, they’ll see the sign and know who is out to find the one and who is just looking for something fit to satisfy their most debased carnal desires.”At the sending of this newsletter, the High Water announced it will be installing a new, sealed-off, windowless back patio addition called “The Splash Zone” in partnership with Tinder.
Man Runs Treadmill on High While Eating Quesalupa Just to Feel Something Again
In an attempt to snap himself out of the malaise caused by his meaningless existence, Albuquerque resident Bill Kingsley went to his local Planet Fitness, turned the treadmill to high, and began sprinting while eating a Quesalupa just to feel something again. The decision, Kingsley said, was made shortly after clocking out from his job as a human sign advertising for Wienerschnitzel. After three months of standing at the intersection of Academy Rd and San Mateo Blvd dressed as a corn dog for 8 straight hours, a numbness blanketed itself over Kingsley. Something had to be done. As he knelt hunched over the toilet, gripping the bowl for dear life while emptying his guts, eyes watering, esophagus scorched by acid, Kingsley felt the cold hard tiles against his bare kneecaps and smiled.
Salt Lake City, UT
Researchers Say New Species of Moth Big but Not “Devour Entire City Big”
Fearing the worst after discovering the discarded remnants of a nearly 8ft long cocoon, researchers breathed a sigh of relief after tracking down a new species of moth they say is big, but not “devour entire city big.” “Don’t get me wrong, this sucker is enormous,” said lead researcher and head of Brigham Young University’s Department of Plant and Wildlife Sciences Jake Norman, “but when you hear rumors of local pets going missing, it gives you cause for concern. You start playing out the worst-case scenarios in your head. No one here wanted to say it, but we had to be ready for the very real possibility we’d be forced to bioengineer a mega-lizard to save ourselves and our beloved Salt Lake City. Luckily, it didn’t come to that, but if the day ever comes, by Joseph, we’ll be ready for it.” The department is still looking into the conditions that made it possible for such a creature to exist. Although, they say it's no coincidence they found the moth downstream from the Biovation Labs manufacturing facility - which most notably manufactures the male enhancement pill Neugenix Total-T.
- Disney announced it will be reintroducing traditional costume character greetings - allowing for hugs and autographs. Not to be outdone, Times Square announced it will be reintroducing traditional costume character gropings.
- Kanye West pulled out of headlining the Coachella music festival this week. Organizers say he was quickly replaced by Pete Davidson.
- An environmental group said in a new report that it cleared nearly half a million pieces of trash last year from New Jersey beaches. And this outlet for one thinks that’s no way to talk about people from New Jersey.
- After being reported missing for 20 years, a notebook belonging to Darwin was returned to Cambridge University. The University knew it was legitimately Darwin’s because over the course of the 20 years since the notebook went missing it had turned into an iPad.
- The senate confirmed Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court. Making her the second most influential Judge Jackson after Randy.
- Frito Lay announced Cracker Jack will now have a Cracker Jill counter part. Compared to Cracker Jack, Cracker Jill is 28 cents less expensive.