#35

Crier Quotes

"Aaaaragghahahravassshhvgargrunddregggrhdaaaa!"
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Feature

Confusion Leads to Arrest as Man Exposes Himself at “Bottomless” Brunch

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Responding to a call shortly after 11:15 AM Saturday morning, police arrested local man Doug Geffen for exposing himself to fellow patrons and wait staff after selecting the “bottomless” option.

Geffen arrived to meet friends Mark Strong, Ian White, and Josh Hamilton around 10:30 AM. The first sign of trouble showed itself as Geffen exited his Uber. “When he pulled up, he was wearing our middle school basketball breakaway warm-ups. I didn’t think much of it at the time because Doug has always been someone who’s gone against the grain of societal norms, so like, whatever, Doug being Doug,” said Hamilton, “honestly, I was more concerned they still fit.”

Sign number two came when the group was seated. “The waitress came over to ask if everything was to our liking, and Doug said he felt it was ‘a little chilly in here, but [he] still feels confident.’ This is when I began to suspect something might be up,” said Strong.

It wasn’t until Geffen got up from the table to make a song request saying, “I know how to get this thing going,” that the group’s text messages the night before dawned on them.

“I had suggested we go to brunch to start the weekend because there’s always a lot of girls there and it’s bottomless and he responded he’d rather it be ‘topless, but he’d take what he could get,’” said White. By this time, it was already too late.

Wait staff says they saw Geffen walking back from the bar as his requested song intro began, “Everybody get up (hey, hey, hey)/Hey, hey, hey (uh)/Hey, hey, hey.” That is when Geffen made his move. Eyewitnesses tell us he began clapping and pointing at his fellow patrons shouting, “who’s ready for bottomless?!” Not suspecting what was to follow, the crowd cheered and raised their glasses — spurring him on. It was then, at peak confidence, that the song hit “just let me liberate you” and Geffen “broke away.”

“It all happened so fast,” said hostess Jenny Roberts, “It felt like that scene in ‘Saving Private Ryan’ when Tom Hanks’s character is surveying the beach. I remember an older woman fainting, and there was a baby crying, but I think what will haunt me is when he squeezed between two tables and accidentally dipped himself into a cup of maple syrup and said ‘French toast stick, anyone?’"

Geffen’s friends say the incident, while unfortunate, is not isolated. All three nodded in solemn recognition when reminded of Hamilton’s bachelor party in Las Vegas when they were thrown out of the MGM Grand following a similar mix-up with Geffen at the craps table.

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