“Yeah, yeah... They “stopped” producing quaaludes in ’85, but if you want, I can get some for you.”
- Hillary Clinton
Driver Receives Key to City as Bus Runs on Schedule
NEW YORK, NY - Getting struck by lightning, gazing up at Halley’s comet, witnessing the birth of a two-headed tortoise, making love to an albino — These are all things more likely than the event that took place Thursday afternoon as city bus driver Ronald McKenzie completed his route from start to finish exactly on schedule.
Like the teammates of a major league pitcher who’s got a perfect game going, not a single passenger made a sound throughout the entire drive. “To put it in perspective for you, I’ve never been a part of anything quite as extraordinary - and I was on the plane Sully landed in the Hudson,” said longtime rider Eric Thomas before needing to fight back tears. “When you see something like this first hand, I don’t know, it gives you hope.”
McKenzie described the run as an out-of-body experience. “I felt a strange calm wash over me as I started my route, and I could see lane changes four, five, even six moves ahead. Red lights would turn green almost at will. There was even a moment when I could feel myself leave my body and take a seat alongside the passengers watching myself drive.”
The run came into question only once as a pregnant woman suddenly and unexpectedly went into labor. McKenzie coached the young woman through her breathing exercises as he looped the seatbelt through the wheel and borrowed a nearby passenger's cane to control the gas and brake pedals. With his free hand, McKenzie birthed the child and cut the umbilical cord with his teeth.
Mayor Eric Adams presented McKenzie with the Key to the City for his valor and commitment to serving the city he calls home. At the ceremony, city officials and local news correspondents agreed, we may never see a bus run on schedule for the rest of our lives.
Husband’s Work Acquaintance Makes New Mother Uncomfortable with Suggestion of Eating Child
PENSACOLA, FL - New mother Jan Philips was noticeably on edge Friday afternoon following an exchange with a work acquaintance of her husband in which he suggested he’d like to eat their baby.
“No, I know people say it to babies all the time. They say, ‘I could just eat you up. Yes, I could. Yes, I could.’ And it’s usually all in good fun as their voice is noticeably higher than usual. But the way he said it, I don’t know, it was just off," said Jan as she triple-checked the batteries in the baby’s nursery monitor. “And when I told him how Jason was four months old, he took in this deep breath and said, ‘They’re so tender at that age, aren’t they?’ I mean, what the hell does that mean?! Also, my name is Jan, but he kept calling me Clarice. Doesn’t anyone else think that’s a little odd?”
Jan’s husband Tom assured her that she was just seeing things due to lack of sleep, but she swears that as the man suggested eating their child, he needed to wipe away a buildup of saliva that had formed at the corners of his mouth.
In Need of a Boost, Local Woman Timeline Scrolls Now Fat High School Cheerleader
SAN DIEGO, CA - Closing her eyes and taking a deep nasal breath, Bridgette Reynolds received a needed mid-week boost as she Instagram scrolled through the slow deterioration of former high school “it girl" and cheerleader Madison Boyd.
“Fu*k, that’s the good stuff,” said Reynolds, a rush of serotonin lighting up every nerve receptor within her frontal lobe as she scrolled past a 10-picture series that captured in vivid detail the fall of 2014 when Boyd put on the freshman fifteen.
Mercilessly bullied throughout high school by Boyd and company, Reynolds used that experience to propel her to where she is today. She has even said the satisfaction she received from earning a full-ride to Stanford, graduating Magna Cum Laude with Honors, being awarded a Rhodes Scholarship to study infectious diseases, and working with Doctors Without Borders in an effort to supply tuberculosis vaccinations in Bangladesh, all pale in comparison to the pure ecstasy of going picture-by-picture through Boyd’s rapid decline as the post-graduation years took their toll.
At the sending of this newsletter, eyewitnesses saw Reynolds enter her local church’s Sunday service. She started attending these services again shortly after receiving news that another former classmate, a star lacrosse player who “clearly only got into Princeton because of athletics," was sentenced to 14-years in prison for insider trading. Reynolds says hearing the news proved to her the existence of a higher power.