“Yes, hi, do you have any extra-thick floss?”
- Michael Strahan
Economists Fear Consequences of Nearly 40-Year High in Inflation of Christmas Lawn Decorations
BOSTON, MA - Economic research fellows at MIT have published a new report in Spreadsheets the Magazine warning Americans of a possible 40-year high in inflation of Christmas lawn decorations.
“It’s the middle class that gets hit the hardest when inflation of Christmas lawn decorations rise,” said lead researcher Paul Freed, “Wall Streeters and the top one percent can hire out a team to tastefully decorate for them, and it's no skin off their ass. They don't feel the real effect of tacky inflatable one-up-manship that hits main street. And you can forget the days of lining the gutter and calling it quits. The average man sees his decorating power consisting of a string of icicle lights and a door reef significantly diminished during times of rampant lawn inflation, such as we are seeing now.”
We spoke with local ironworker Bill Cunningham who told us his entire block has been consumed by the unprecedented rise of inflatables. “I drive past it every day on my way to work,” said Cunningham, “the Duffys, the McWilliams, the DiAngelos, each and every one of them suffocating under the weight of this inflation, and if I’m being honest, I'm afraid I won’t be able to keep up either. I got a wife and kids to think about, you know. It just takes its toll on a man.”
As the inflatables spread, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell has called for the American public to remain calm, “Obviously inflatables are on the rise, no one is denying that fact, but we’re confident the next two weeks will be the worst of it. Come the new year, these inflatables will be gone," said Powell, a shakey hand pouring his fifth three-quarter full glass of scotch.
The jury is still out on how severe the effects of this level of inflation will be felt by working-class Americans. The question Mr. Freed and other economists are asking is how much longer the American middle class can continue to get squeezed before they rise in revolt.
Three days before the printing of this story, Bill Cunningham fell to the pressures of lawn inflation. He sold both kidneys on the black market to cover the cost of the following inflatable roof-to-lawn set up: Santa Claus in sleigh with reindeer, an active conveyor belt elf workshop, penguin slip-n-slide, air cannon powered Charlie Brown snow globe, candy cane forest, and nutcracker portch guards. All connected and synched to a string-light choreographed "Carol of the Bells" - a single tear streamed down his face as he climbed the ladder to his roof for assembly.
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