Sep 12, 2021

#11

Crier Quotes

"What else would you use a melon baller for?"
- Hannibal Lecter

Feature

President Biden Reveals His Six-Prong COVID Strategy is Actually Him Wielding Two Tridents

The Lede:

Triumphantly standing at the edge of the Atlantic Ocean, President Joe Biden announced that his six-pronged strategy to erradicate COVID from the ends of the earth were attached to the shafts of two tridents which he plans on wielding across the country.

How did this happen?

Good question. Rumors began to circulate that Biden had planned on taking matters into his own hands a few weeks ago. Washington insiders tell us he bartered with Poseidon himself to get his hands on the pair of tridents. In exchange, Biden gave the God of the Sea Louisianna - which his daughter Ida recently came to collect.

What does he hope to come out of this?

First and foremost, the president wants to reopen the nation's schools, saying the nation's children have lost too much over the last two years.

Said the president:

It's time for our nation's schools to open their doors again, and for our nation's kids to get back to being kids. I remember when I was a kid. We used to salvage what was left of a wooden barrel used to cask fermented beans and race each other to the school house while hitting the wooden wheel with a stick. Those were good days. Days when the neighborhood kids would get together for a game of squirrel box - where you'd catch a squirrel with your bare hands and put it in your friend's mailbox and that meant they were it and after they fought that ravenous beast off they'd then go out and catch their own squirrel and put it in someone else's mailbox and round 'n round we'd go until someone lost by getting rabies. We'd play a game called building the Erie Canal in which we built the Erie Canal. But my favorite game by far was a game called Stamps in which we'd get a book of stamps - back then it was 200 for a nickel - and we'd take the stamps and we'd put them on envelopes and we'd take the envelopes to the post office and we'd give the man at the post office the envelope with the stamp on it and he would take it and bring it to your friend and then you'd go to the mailbox and you'd open it and sometimes a squirrel would pop out and it was great. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I have two motherf**king tridents, and with God as my witness, I will not hesitate to use them.

What now?

In his address, President Biden told the country that his patience was running thin with those who refused to get the vaccine. It is speculated that if needed, he'll use the tridents to unleash a team of trained seals to flipper slap the hesitant into submission.

Guide Book

The new school year is upon us, and many parents are grappling with how to approach going back. Here are The Town Crier's three tips to sending your kids back to school

Bubble Boy 'em - Let's be honest, the world is a disgusting place filled with lecherous creatures who's sole purpose is to infect your children with disease. This is not news to anyone. The answer is simple - place your precious little angel in a plastic bubble. For added protection we recommend filling the bubble with Purell sanitizing gel. Make sure to fill the bubble at least to the neckline in order to get the desired pseudo-cytoplasmic disinfectant sac.
Avoid Taking The School Bus At All Costs - The school bus is a petri dish on wheels. And if it isn't infecting their bodies, it most certainly will infect their minds. A study recently published by the faculty at Nazarene Bible College found that the back of the seats on a public school bus is 732 times more likely to be the first place a 5-year-old will see a swastika or read the words "queef," "glory hole," and "dingleberry" - and God forbid they find their name on the NOT list - talk about a lifetime's worth of therapy. Instead, we recommend sending them via drone strike. With the advancements made during the Obama years, it's never been easier to order a drone strike. Plus, you've already put your babies in the bubble, so they'll bounce off that blacktop faster than a check from MC Hammer.
Pour yourself a glass of wine, light a few candles, and draw a bath - You did it! They're gone! They're really gone!! Hear that? That ain't Simon and Garfunkle my friend, that is actually the sound of silence, and after a year and a half of trying to figure out how to teach your kid to do long division with Roman numerals, you deserve it.

Miscellaneous

A sports memorabilia website announced a pair of Michael Jordan’s underwear bearing signs of “definite use” being put up for auction. Jordan himself said you can still see where he “wiped his ass with Isiah Thomas.” You can tell the auctioneers are having a good time with it too, as the underwear’s byline reads, “Harder to fill than his shoes.”
This week, El Salvador became the first country to make Bitcoin “legal tender” - meaning it’s now an official currency. When asked what you can get for a substantial amount of Bitcoin, the treasury secretary said, “out of El Salvador.”
The Wall Street Journal reports that the algorithms companies use to screen applicants for jobs could be unfairly eliminating potentially qualified workers. This would explain why Jeopardy! is having a hard time finding a new host - apparently, the system filters out any applicant who doesn’t apply in the form of a question.
For the 25th anniversary of Blues Clues, the original host, Steve, returned “from college” to post a heartfelt message to fans. Hearing Steve’s message after abruptly walking out and being gone for 25 years gives all hope that someday someone else will return from getting that pack of cigarettes.
It was reported that the Navy has developed a weapon that records the target’s voice and plays it back at them in order to make them stop talking. Like an annoying sibling, the echo of the target’s own voice disorients them and makes them stop. The Navy is now said to be working on a robotic interrogator that uses this same principle idea but with a physical twist - the robot will grab the target’s hand and repeat, “Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.”
It was revealed this week that McDonald’s “Grimace” - the large, purple, anthropomorphic thing that hangs out with Ronald McDonald - is supposed to be a huge tastebud. While it may seem odd to name a fast-food mascot, “Grimace," it is important to remember that he was named by the people who know what’s in the food.
Archaeologists recently unearthed a number of ceramic vessels they believe may have been used for beer some 9,000 years ago. They said they believed the ceramics to have contained beer, as buried right next to them were the remains of four clydesdales.