“Launch a projectile at a man’s genitals, he’s famous for a day. Teach a man to launch projectiles at his genitals, he’s famous for a lifetime.”
- Johnny Knoxville
Proof of Alien Visit? New Research Suggests Human Civilization Not Advanced Enough to Invent Toblerone
New research conducted by the University of Cambridge published in the Journal of Anthropological Archeology strongly suggests scientists reopen the discussion surrounding alien visitation. The findings argue that at the time it was invented human civilization was not nearly advanced enough to have constructed the Toblerone.
A Chance Encounter
“It’s a theory that’s been kicked around for years, mainly on the internet,” said Professor of Archeology and research team lead Arnold Kent, “But to be perfectly honest, I never took any stock in alien visitation myself. That was, of course, until a graduate student came knocking on my door with a peculiar inquiry, she asked, ‘Professor, how do you erect a pyramid consisting of honey and almond nougat, encased in chocolate, 4,000 years before Newton discovered gravity?’ Well, my interest was piqued, to say the least. Shortly afterward, we assembled a team and began our work.”
Once More Unto the Breach
Professor Kent and his team endeavored to recreate the chocolate structure using only materials and methods known to have existed at the time of its inception. The failures mounted. Each unsuccessful attempt pushed Kent closer towards madness — Trapped in the chocolate prism inside his mind.
It was a Tuesday afternoon when the professor’s spirit broke completely. Kent disbanded the team and became increasingly reclusive. He stopped showing up for work and accepting social invitations. He bathed sporadically, if at all. Rumors at the university spread regarding the professor's physical and mental condition, each one more grotesque than the last.
It was here, at his lowest, that the breakthrough was delivered to his doorstep: an unmarked parcel wrapped in newspaper and tied with twine. Inside lay a stone slab depicting the scene of Toblerone deliverance.
“I wept for three days,” said Kent, “my hell was over, and it was time to share it with the world.”
When Professor Kent emerged from his quarters, brandishing the slab, the university was dubious. After authenticating the slab via carbon dating, however, the door to peer review was opened.
Professor Kent’s work has since landed him on the shortlist for the British Academy’s Kenyon Medal and an invitation to share his experience and insights as a guest on The Joe Rogan Experience.
*Editor’s Note* It is still unknown where the stone slab came from. On the night the parcel arrived, security footage from outside Professor Kent’s quarters skip .85 milliseconds.
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