“Every year we swim with thousands of our kin upstream and wrestle whatever awaits us at the top”
- Anna Kendrick
“If You’re Going to Anyway, I’d Rather You Do It In The House” Say Cool Parents Handing High School Son AR-15
FLAGSTAFF, AZ — After stumbling on their son Ryan’s open laptop and reading the chatroom messages between him and a group called The Sons of Purity, local cool parents Martha and Paul Fullerton handed their 16-year-old his first AR-15 saying, “If you’re going to do it anyway, we’d rather you do it in the house.”
“I was your age once, too,” said Paul as he showed Ryan the proper way to quickly reload an extended-clip magazine without fumbling, “So, I know what you’re going through. Believe me, the things I drew in the margins of my notebooks during school could raise a few red flags in their own right. I just want to make sure you’re being smart about it.”
“Look, boys will be boys, you know,” Martha told us as she and Ryan sat at the kitchen island reviewing his hit list, “you can’t stop them from going out into the world and getting their hands on a semi-automatic killing machine to fulfill their radicalized agenda, so why fight it, right? We’d rather he do it here than get caught doing it at school. At least here, we’ll be able to keep an eye on him while he does it.”
At the printing of this newsletter, Paul and Martha were seen at Ryan’s computer checking his manifesto for spelling and grammar errors before sending it to the local paper.
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