“I know it’s the national anthem, but I really need to tie my shoe.”
- Colin Kaepernick
Boston Salts Streets in Expectation of Record 12 - 36 Inches of Vomit on St. Patrick’s Day
BOSTON, MA — With just four days until St. Patrick’s Day, the city of Boston began preparations this week by salting the streets in expectations of a record 12 - 36 inches of vomit.
“It’s never too early to get a jump on Paddy’s Day preparations,” said Boston Sanitation Chief Connor Murphy, “last year, we got lucky. COVID reduced the number of people who were out in the streets, and the ones that did come out had those chin diapers on that were able to catch a lot of it before it hit the ground - which was a blessing - until, of course, some wisenheimer got the bright idea to tie the strings of the chin diaper together to create a ‘Vom Bomb.’ Next thing you know, we’re seeing some TikTok challenge called ‘Vom Bomb Ya Mom’ and things really got out of hand from there — we had to call in the State Troopas to get things under control but, hey, that’s Paddy’s Day for ya.”
A spokesperson for Mayor Michelle Wu told us her administration is ready for their first full St. Patrick’s Day. “Look, this is Boston. We’ve seen our fair share of vomit come down on the streets, and we’re more than capable of handling anything that comes down that day — whether the large heavy chunks of a New England Clam Chowder-Guinness-Jameson mixture or that more liquidy hard seltzer slush — we’ll be ready. A couple inches of fresh vomit isn’t going to stop the city from running exactly like it's supposed to - what do we look like, Atlanta?”
At the printing of this newsletter, the city of Boston had purchased every member of the sanitation department a pair of rubber overalls and 10,000 “slop mops.”
Judge Judy Sentences Man to Death
CULVER CITY, CA — Presiding over docket number BC719385 (Rogers v. Albertson) where plaintiff Billy Rogers accused defendant James Albertson of defrauding him by selling a toaster that was not as it was advertised to be, "bathtub safe,” Judge Judith Sheindlin stunned the gallery with her ruling as she did not award the plaintiff the full amount of his medical bill damages as he had asked, but opted to hand out the harshest penalty on California's books: death by gas chamber.
“You know, I’ve had a lot of slime slink itself through my courtroom over the last two and a half decades: a lot of insects, like yourself, have scurried out of here with nothing but a slap on the wrist, and I’ve always taken a position of giving the benefit of the doubt — DON’T YOU EVEN DARE THINK ABOUT INTERRUPTING ME... DON’T YOU DARE.... but I have to say, my patience has run out with you roaches, and that’s what you are, Mr. Albertson, A ROACH, and you know how you get rid of roaches? That’s right, you spray ‘em with chemicals until they go belly up. Don’t cry, Mr. Albertson. Don’t cry, now. It’s too late for crocodile tears. I’m not buying it.” said Sheindlin, “It’s time I make an example out of one of you and show everyone that there are consequences for our actions. Therefore, I sentence you to death by gas chamber.”
At press time, Judge Judy was caught on a hot mic whispering in the ear of the whimpering defendant Albertson, “I’m the law, bitch.”
Archaeologists Say Newly-Discovered Hieroglyphics Just More of the Same Sh*t
THE ANCIENT CITY OF THEBES —Brushing the dust off another dug-up tablet only to reveal more images of birds, rivers, and snakes, archaeologists confirmed Wednesday that sometime between 2055 - 1650 BC Egyptian society seriously struggled to come up with original content.
“Uggghhh would you look at this: Baby / Mouth / Viper / Dog Head Man Points at River - I mean, it’s all so derivative,” said the dig’s lead researcher, Dr. Harry Weltz, “and this one, Lion / Cup / Backwards Legs - seriously? Like we all haven’t heard that before, am I right? And I don’t want to be that guy, but if you look around, a lot, and I mean, a lot, of this stuff is heavily anti-Semitic - take this one, for example, Slave / Nose / Hand Reach into Dog Man Pocket / Gold Bar / Whip - are we all just going to let that sh*t slide?”
At press time, Dr. Weltz’s team couldn’t make heads or tails of a recently uncovered tablet with the depiction Book / Forrest / Bald Man / Smile Box / Globe / Crown / 2025.
- This week, the Saudi Arabian government conducted a mass execution of 81 people. All were convicted of terrorism, murder, kidnapping, torture, rape, and weapons smuggling. Providing an explanation on behalf of the Council of Ministers, Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman said when it comes to terrorism, murder, kidnapping, torture, rape, and weapons smuggling, the Saudi Arabian government will not tolerate any competition.
- Chipotle announced a new limited release Pollo Asado menu item. Not to be outdone, Taco Bell announced for a limited time the tortillas for their refried bean burritos will no longer be made with recycled diapers.
- The MLB owners and players reached an agreement to bring baseball back - the only thing remaining is for both sides to spit, scratch, and shake on it.
- Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has made the surprising decision to open his archive to a journalist and sit for long interviews. After so many years of playing things close to the vest, we're happy to see Mitch come out of his shell.
- Charles Entenmann of Entenmann's Cakes died at the age of 92. Per his final wish, Entenmann will be placed in a lightly buttered aluminum tin and cremated at 350° for 30 - 35 minutes.
- In honor of International Women’s Day, ESPN announced it will launch Fantasy WNBA. The new Fantasy WNBA will work exactly like its male counterpart; however, in the WNBA version, players will earn .78 points on the basket.
- Netflix is launching a new trivia game called Trivial Quest. Users are already saying it’s much better than their very repetitive first game, “Are you still watching?”
- Former NY Gov Andrew Cuomo made his first public appearance after resigning amid sexual misconduct allegations. Speaking at a Brooklyn church, Cuomo said “God isn’t finished with me yet.” - Coincidentally, neither is satan.
- The ongoing labor shortage has hit the babysitting market, where average costs have surged to more than $20/hour. To combat this, we are launching a new babysitting service at half the price - just call 1-877-Kons-4-Kids.
- The Florida panhandle has dealt with raging wildfires all this week. Experts say the fires caught them by surprise as wild bush fires usually don’t come until after spring break.