#32

Crier Quotes

"You know, it wouldn't kill you to say thank you every once in a while."
- Mother Teresa

Feature

Local Parents and Toddler at Stalemate in Bed Time Negotiations

LEXINGTON, KY — Unable to come to an agreeable set of terms after several hours, local parents Phoebe and Cal Wallace and their toddler Brennon had reached a stalemate in bedtime negotiations Thursday evening.

“These demands are completely unreasonable,” said Cal as he slid back the large yellow legal pad that outlined Brennon’s most recent offer: a 7:15pm bedtime (down from his initial 8pm starting point) providing, that is, a 25 percent increase in afternoon screen time, putting an end to his pre-bedtime teeth brushing obligation, implementing a minimum 4 monthly visits to Chuck-E-Cheese, and abolishing the current quid-pro-quo ice cream/broccoli exchange. “Well, why don’t you throw out some numbers and let's see what sticks,” said Brennon, anticipating the hardline stance of his father.

“How ‘bout this,” said Phoebe after taking a sidebar with her husband, “We’re willing to come up to a 7pm bedtime, and we’ll allow for a 10 percent increase in screen time, but we reserve the right to withhold dessert unless all vegetables have been eaten, and as we’ve already stated in the last round, pre-bedtime teeth brushing is non-negotiable. That being said, we’ll grant you the four monthly visits to Chuck-E-Cheese as long as you agree to cap your department store tantrums to one every other week. All of which we think is more than reasonable.”

Placing his heavily dog-eared copy of Robert Greene’s 48 Laws of Power to the side as he considered this offer, Brennon’s face scrunched up in disgust like the time he accidentally ate that lemon slice. He insisted the pair were “lowballing” him on the 10 percent screen time increase, and he felt it would be irresponsible of him to make any promises regarding the one public tantrum every-other-week stipulation vis-a-vie his inability to predict how long, under those extreme circumstances, he would be able to withstand the combined forces of boredom and gravity. Not to mention how unpredictable his spontaneous hostility towards wearing pants could be.

The two parties came close to concluding negotiations after the following round of offers as Brennon acquiesced to the broccoli and teeth brushing requirements. Although, negotiations came to a grinding halt when Cal refused to bend on shared control of the TV remote after dinner.

Grocery Bag Gives Local Man Hope that He Too Can Hold it Together

MUNCIE, IN — Stretched to its absolute limit, yet keeping its contents from ripping it completely to shreds, a grocery bag gave local man Bruce Keller hope that he too can keep it together.

“I’m not into astrology or anything, and I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself ‘spiritual’ or whatever but, I don’t know, maybe this is a sign?” said Keller. It had been a rough three days for him as he was let go from his job at the sawmill, his wife filed for divorce, and he put his 14-year-old dog down. On the verge of complete and utter collapse, Keller put his emotions into his cart and made for the register. Despite being loaded with frozen pizza, TV dinners, a six-pack of Coors Banquet, and cans of Spam and baked beans, the bag, a single-use plastic carrier, held together the entire way from the parking lot to the driveway to the kitchen counter.

“There was a moment in the driveway, halfway from the car to the front door, when I could feel the bag start to give at the bottom. That’s when I heard the corners of the handles start to tear. I remember saying, ‘hold on, little buddy, we can do this, just hold on,” Keller continued, “and it did. And you know what, if that bag can keep it together, then hell, why can’t I?”

At press time, Keller was seen weeping naked in the bathtub after his hero became his tormentor as a gust of wind blew the bag into his fish tank, suffocating his prized angelfish.

Miscellaneous

• IKEA announced it will close retail operations in Russia and Belarus. In their announcement, IKEA did not directly state why they were suspending operations, but they’re confident people will put the pieces together themselves.
• A pair of contestants on Wheel of Fortune have been dragged through the mud on social media after they were unable to solve a nearly completed puzzle that read “Another Feather in Your Cap,” instead guessing “Map” and “Lap.” To their credit, the contestants recovered quickly, solving the next puzzle “Did I just have a stroke?”
• Tuesday was National Pig Day - So, here’s to you, Harvey Weinstein!
• Dunkin’ announced a new Shamrock Macchiato for St. Patrick’s Day. The drink combines espresso, vanilla, Irish creme, and regret.
• This week, New Orleans celebrated its first full Mardi Gras since the COVID pandemic. Partygoers said they were not as concerned with spreading COVID as they were with spreading “them cheeks.”