Jul 18, 2021

#3

Crier Quotes

“Give it to me straight, Doc - It’s jaundice, isn’t it?”
- James Earl Jones

Feature

Awkward Silence “Powered Through” as Coworker Meets College Roommate - Leads to Unlikely Bond

The Lede:

A tale as old as time. A song as old as rhyme. Two men stranded in the space-time vacuum created by their mutual friend leaving them alone as he goes the bathroom.

*Trigger warning: The following may cause “friend-of-a-friend” flashbacks - we advise all take the time to collect themselves before continuing.*

Set the scene

It was a Thursday night like any other. Drew Little received a text from his old college roommate, Kevin Murphy, seeing if he was free for a few happy hour drinks. Within seconds, a simple reply - “Always.” It was at this point that Kevin informed Drew that he was with his coworker, Brian, who Kevin assured was “a good dude.”

It was a hot crowd at O'Doyle’s. The music: bumping. The drinks: flowing. The night was poised for greatness, and then it happened. Always expected, but never fully prepared for, the buffer of the group needed to flush the system. The die was cast as Kevin said, “I’ll be right back.”

Give me the play-by-play

Drew and Brian sat opposite each other. For background, Drew knew Kevin as “Garbage Disposal” (or “GD”) for the way he put the team on his back during pledging, finishing off not only his but two other pledge-mates full stick “butter dogs” and slurping up the entire ice tray filled with dip spit and Four Loko. Brian knew him as Kevin Murphy, CPA. Safe to say that a chasm lay between them.

Knowing Kevin longer, Drew made the first move as is his obligation:

“Kev’s a great guy”

“Oh, the best”

“Yeah”

…

Both men employed the no teeth smile and nod. Then Brian returned serve:

“So, Kevin says you guys went to school together?” (A statement posed as a question which both men knew was just a statement).

“Yeah, freshman year roommates. Been close ever since.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah”

…

Another smile. Another nod. At this point, things were looking bleak. But both men were determined to play through the pain and not fall prey to the siren’s song that is the social media scroll. If not for themselves, for Kevin.

It was at this moment that they knew what they had to do: open the floodgates.

What happened next?

Carnage:

2 shots of Bacardi 151
2 rounds of G & Ts
A “World War II” - Jägerbomb, Saki Bomb, Jägerbomb
What’s known in some circles as a “Blanco Mexicano” - in which the salt after the tequila shot is substituted with cocaine.
A single Miller Highlife

The two got thrown out of O'Doyle’s after they were told three times that regardless of how much of a sauna they felt it was, they needed to keep their shirts on.

What happens next is a little fuzzy, but the general gist is this:

Drew convinced Brian he should quit his job and pursue a career in street performing after watching him do the “I’m stuck in a glass box” routine. A voicemail was delivered to his boss shortly thereafter.
Brian asserted he could jump and touch the awning outside Burger King. He was wrong.
Drew got angry and shouted at a masseuse in Chinatown who wouldn’t give him a happy ending (allegedly).
Brian stole a rickshaw (not so allegedly).
Full-Season ski passes were bought and a deposit on a condo at Okemo mountain was placed.
Someone punched a horse.
Tattoos were inked. Locations remain unknown.

Kevin was none-the-wiser as he ran into his ex and never made it back to the table.

What a night.

Indeed it was. Just two men avoiding small talk by any means possible, and in the process, forging an unbreakable bond. A tale as old as time. A song as old as rhyme.

Sound Bites

**Who’s Calling BullSh*t …**

Shelby Winters, in a sit down interview with our family editor Lisa Goodman. Shelby calls bull on her husband - a professional curler - who says he won’t sweep around the house because “he doesn’t bring work home.” Highlights from the interview below:

He won’t rake the leaves, clean the pool - God forbid I even mention the Swiffer - I do that, and he looks at me as if I asked him to throw our miniature schnauzer in front of an 18-wheeler while clubbing a baby seal.

What gets me is the double standard. We built an extra long bar that runs the length of our basement with matching stone coasters so he can slide beers to his “boys” and he’s got no problem with that.

The other day he said to me, “I don’t go walking around the house trying to put fries in your hand” - WTF does that even mean!? He knows I’m not a fry cook!

Then he says, “I don’t want to over-work my forearms.” That’s funny, considering how quickly we go through hand lotion - where’s it all going, Jeff?? Tell me. Where!?

Oh, and then I’m the bad guy when I say, “sorry, I don’t bring work home” when he asks for a blow job.

The interview was cut short as Shelby took off in a rage after receiving a text from her husband that read “*Ding* Fries are done.”

Miscellaneous

In Wyoming, it was reported that a local biker bar was selling shirts that read “In Wyoming we have a cure for AIDS… We shoot Fu*king F****ts.” As you’d imagine, the shirt is very popular with the biker bar’s patrons - “straight” men who wear matching bedazzled leather jackets.
In celebrity news, comedian JB Smoove accidentally joined Brad Paisley’s Shark Country after mistaking the opportunity on “shark week” for his beloved “shark tank.” Smoove isn’t the only celeb to make such a mistake - most notably, a reality star mistook “prison” for “president.”
Pope Francis has left the Gemeli hospital in Rome this week after spending ten days recovering from surgery. In the spirit of the upcoming Olympic Games, the recovery puts Papa Francesco in the silver metal position - beating out Pope John Paul II, who spent three weeks recovering from four gun shot wounds - but falling short of the gold metal position held by Jesus, who after three days recovered from death - a record this outlet believes will hold.
Fast-chicken chain Popeyes has added the “I don’t know meal” for people who can’t decide what to order. The meal comes with a chicken sandwich and a premium lemonade. Not to be outdone, KFC has introduced the “I don’t want to know” meal, whose description simply reads “catch of the day.”