“That’s a nice beak. I wish I had a beak like that. All I have are these stupid thumbs.”
- Charles Darwin
New Variant Escapes Lab of Man Doing His Own Research
MOBILE, AL — Plumes of smoke billowed high in the azalea city sky as a dazed Jasper Kenny unlocked the latch, lifted the metal doors, and emerged from the storm cellar, barely able to comprehend what he had just done. In doing his own COVID research, the Alabama native had spawned and let escape a new, deadlier variant. “I just don’t understand how this could happen,” said Kenny, who had painstakingly virus escape-proofed his ex-wife’s brother-in-law’s moonshine distillery prior to the undertaking. “I had all the windows closed, except one, but I would have passed out if I hadn’t cracked it. It was just a smidge is all. I swear.” Kenny hopes his mistake serves as a cautionary tale for others who have taken up the mantle of doing their own research. The governor has since called a state of emergency as hospitals across Alabama are overrun. At press time, Jasper Kenny was seen buying “the first ticket out” at the Mobile Greyhound station.
Minor Glitch in Time Machine Sends Traveler Exclusively Back to Moment of Their Own Conception
HALLE, GERMANY — Researchers at the German National Academy of Sciences Leopoldina were hesitant to celebrate Monday afternoon as the fourteen human test subjects sent back in time using their newly completed time machine were all sent solely to the moment of their own conception. All fourteen test subjects recall the moment of materialization after walking through the space/time portal similarly. None, however, had a more vivid experience than Karl Lowe. “It was dark. I remember feeling suspended in some coagulated fluid. I could hear a voice. It was my mother. Then there was movement. Then another voice. This time a man’s voice, but it wasn’t my father’s. It was the voice of this guy, Hanz, who was always around when I was younger. My mom used to tell me not to mention it to my dad on days when Hanz would come over. I yelled out, but they couldn’t hear me. Then more movement. Faster and faster. I began to rise as there was a swelling up of the fluid where I lay suspended. Then a rush that felt like being shot out of a cannon.” At press time, a visibly shaken Karl said the last thing he heard before returning to the present was Hanz's voice, saying, “Oh shit. I think it broke.”
- Kristen Stewart is developing a gay ghost-hunting reality TV show. You can tell the ghosts are gay because in every episode you can hear one ghost say to another "I wouldn't be caught dead in that."
- This Friday was "National Play Monopoly Day" – Making Saturday "National-Apologize-for-Swearing-at-Grandma-Day."
- President Biden had a colonoscopy this week. The president said it was the first time since he took office that he's really felt like someone was behind him.
- Steve Bannon turned himself in to the FBI this week. Based on this recent photo of Bannon, we assume his reasons for turning himself in were hot soup and sleeping indoors.